Colonial College Lagos Releases Plan to Avoid Murder Hornet Deaths by Staying Inside

Experts on insectology at the Colonial College Lagos in Nigeria have released a series of charts and graphs showing that millions will die if the government doesn’t force them to stay in their houses.

The murder hornet is an Asian hornet which has invaded America and is expected to be responsible for large scale death. Experts are scurrying to figure out how to manage the infestation, even as mass graves continue to be filled with sting victims.

Professor Andrew Anglin of the Asian Hornet Research Institute at Colonial College Lagos has claimed that his graphs show that millions of people in the United States will die from stings if they don’t stay inside.

“American infrastructure and healthcare facilities will collapse under the pressure of too many people getting stung. We do not have the ability to treat this many stings if we do not engage in sting mitigation,” Anglin said in a low and serious tone, pausing between each word to highlight the gravity of his message.

The Anglin graphs call for everyone to stay inside in order to avoid 2.2 million stinging deaths from those who are unable to be treated for their stings. If everyone gets treatment, according to these graphs, there will be a mere 240,000 deaths by stinging.

Early Monday morning, US President Donald Trump seemed reluctant to embrace the watertight data of these Nigerian researchers, tweeting that Anglin is a “kook” and Nigeria is a “shithole.” He also expressed the sentiment that murder hornets are simply a form of wasp, which experts have virulently disagreed with. “We’re [sic] had them for years,” Trump falsely claimed.

Minutes later, Trump appeared to recognize the seriousness of the murder hornet crisis, calling the Asian insects “the buzzing enemy,” and began to blame Nigeria for not doing enough to stop it. He called for an investigation into what information on the insects was withheld by Nigerian scientists.

Minutes after that, the US President appeared to again downplay the crisis, while also calling for people to leave their houses, even though they will die of stings. Many viewed the president’s message as callous.

Twenty minutes after posting that tweet, Trump posted a tweet calling for people to shelter in place in order to avoid stings, and claimed that he was ending trade with Nigeria as punishment for the information they withheld.

It’s unclear which path Trump will choose to deal with these insects and their deathly sting. What we know for sure is that people continue to die, and the only solution is to stay locked in our houses.

Much of the country is looking to Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer for leadership. While Trump has remained indecisive about the course of action we should take, Whitmer has passed laws which allow for anyone who is caught outside to be seized and tortured using medieval methods.

“People caught on the streets are risking their lives. They could be stung by a murder hornet. For their own safety, I have ordered the police to arrest anyone found on the street, to take them to an underground facility where they will have needles shoved under their fingernails. We will also cut off a toe for every violation. Without anesthetic,” Whitmer announced at a press conference Monday morning. “This is for your own safety.”

At his own press conference, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo demanded that the federal government send his state 4 million ice packs.

“If we don’t get those ice packs, people are going to die. People are going to die either way, but a lot more people are going to die if we don’t get the ice packs we need,” Cuomo announced, with his eyes bugging out.